I haven't encountered too many conflicts in my life, primarily because I choose not to engage in them. I don't like confrontation and feel arguing solves nothing. One incidence that couldn't be avoided, though, happened after my divorce. I moved to another state to live with a friend who I had taught with previously. She was a widow and opened her home to me. I was very appreciative of her offer, but reluctant, because during the course of our 10+ years of friendship, I knew she had a lot of personal problems and had, at times, felt drained from trying to support her during her various difficulties. A confrontation that led to my leaving would have been a good time to: 1) "Differentiate feeling from thinking, being able to identify and
express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment,
criticism, or blame/punishment" (The Center for Nonviolent Communication, n.d.), and 2) "differentiate observation from evaluation, being able to carefully
observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors
and conditions that are affecting us" (The Center for Nonviolent Communication, n.d.). My friend was obviously going through another crises but because of what she was saying to me, I felt hurt and attacked. I left, knowing that our friendship couldn't be repaired and was over.
My question to my colleagues is, have you ever had to remove a relationship from your life that you felt was toxic to your thinking and the way you wanted to live your life? Was it stressful to you? Would you have done things differently knowing what you know now about communication?
Reference
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/
That's sad! My mom always told me to NEVER live with someone who was my friend. And not because of personal problems they're having or anything like you've experienced. You know how when you live with someone everything they do (or don't do) drives you crazy. At first, its ok but after a while just little things start getting on your nerves. It was some very great advice from my mother because something can always go wrong and ruin a friendship. So I can say that I've never had this experience. I bet if you had your situation to do over again that you just wouldn't have lived with her. Is that correct? It's sad when things like this ruin a relationship, but I guess it also gets you to know that real person and how they really are. I'm just so sorry for you that it ended this way. Great post though!
ReplyDeleteLaurie,
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I think you speak for a many of us in how we ended a friendship because of circumstances we did not know how to control or compromise. I know now that I am one of the many who lost great friendships simply because I avoided any conflicts that would ensue. Would I handle them differently now? Absolutely, knowing what I know now, but some relationships and the individuals on the other half would probably not want to work on it. Sad but true, everyone needs conflict managements 101. lol- great post by the way.